I Have To Pee

Look at the delicious water and Nuun.

The joy of heat is returning to North Carolina.  Today is a mild 81, seriously that is mild for this time of year.  Yesterday when I ran my Fartleks, it was 88.  Oh, how I love (insert pure sarcasm here) hot weather.  Seriously folks, I am Canadian born and raised.  Yes, it can get hot in Canada during the summer yet the heat is not so HUMID.  Here in North Carolina we have humidity with a capital H.  For now the temps are nice and mild in the 80's, but give it another few weeks and the 90-100 range will be a daily adventure.  A part of me is cringing just thinking about it and the fact that I will again be marathon training in the heat.  I DO NOT LIKE EXTREME HEAT!!  For me this is when hydration plays a key role in my training.  

As I have mentioned before I am going to be running Hood To Coast with Nuun in August and that announcement alone made me want to pee my pants, but not due to over hydration more from pure excitement.  Nuun has been my go to product for some years now, after I had a massive fail at the Disney Princess 1/2 in 2010 with Gatorade.  Along the way I have come to realize that my body does not tolerate refined sugars so well and the fantastic part about Nuun is their product has none of that.  Which is a good thing because sugar can also accelerate the dehydration process.  The joy of being able to run with Nuun is that I am learning a few things that as a nurse I did not know.  For instance did you know that on a daily basis at least 75% of people are dehydrated?  That was a new statistic for me to read.  

However, this blog post is not just to promote the greatness of Nuun.  Most of you who read my blog on a regular basis know I tend not to promote products too often.  All of my life I have been the type of girl who finds something I like and I stick to it.  If I think highly of a product I do not mind spreading the word.  Nuun ranks up high on the list for me.  As I mentioned in the summer the heat in North Carolina goes full fledged and when I am out running I have to be safe.  So what do I do?

1. Hydrate!!  I drink a little bit before I run and then if I am running more than 50 minutes I take water with a Nuun tab along with me to sip on.  While I am out there I pay attention to my body.  If I start feeling muscle fatigue, cramps, dizzy, nauseous, or I start getting a headache then I know I am not hydrating enough.  Two others signs are an increased heart rate and a decreased performance.    Hydration and electrolyte balance is a fine line.  You do not want to over hydrate and you do not want to under hydrate. It is about finding the balance that works for you and the weather that you are running in.  When I worked the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit I learned all about that fine balance, especially with children.  We regularly calculated the amount a child took in and placed out then calculated that total with their weight in kilograms to get their averages.  One little mistake too far or too little and there could be problems.
2. Dress for the weather.  If it is hot try to go as minimal as possible.  My go to for summer is some short shorts and a tank or sports bra.  
3. Wear sunscreen and a baseball cap............stay safe out there.
4. Go running in the early morning or late evening when the temps are less extreme.  Last summer while marathon training I did a lot of my miles in the early morning before the sun came out.  This meant wearing bright clothing, a head lamp, and carrying pepper spray of course.  I like to be safe!!  Sadly, even in those early mornings it was still hot just not as hot.  
5. If the weather temps are extreme and you know you are unable to get out early or later, then hit the treadmill.  We have one in our house for this very reason.  I have no hatred for my treadmill.  We are friends.  When the weather has been at points where I simply know it is not safe, well I run on my treadmill.  In my mind a training run is a training run and I would rather be safe.
6. If I had to sum all of this up the key word is SMART.  Just be smart!!  Know your body and what it can tolerate.  Everyone is different.  Know your surroundings and pay attention to the weather reports.  

For me I know I am hydrating well if I am having to go pee at some point, even if that point is after the long miles and not during.  Happy kidneys are important!!

What is your hot weather advice?

Do you use Nuun?  What is your favorite flavor?

Bittersweet

Little man and me.

Growth, such a small word with such a big meaning.  Every day many things are growing.  The flowers outside, babies in new mom's bellies, beautiful green grass.......the list goes on and on.  When I was younger my mother always told me that time flies when you have children and she was not kidding.  I feel like it was just yesterday I held my eldest in my arms and she literally fit in one arm because she was a preemie.  Now she is almost as tall as me, I am 5 foot 4 (shorty).  She also will be starting MIDDLE SCHOOL in the fall.....yikes.  Then my youngest is almost done his first year of kindergarten.  I watch as each of them grow so much every day, right before my eyes.  

Today was a bittersweet day for me.  Last night my little man asked me if he could walk down the hallway to his classroom by himself in the morning.  At the time I took a big breath and smiled, then I said absolutely.  Every morning I walk my children into school.  They could take the bus, but I really enjoy walking them in.  My mother often did the same for me in elementary school and those are moments I embraced.  My daughter gives me a big hug and kiss, then heads down the hallway to her classroom.  My son has not quite been ready for that big step yet though.  We attempted a few months back to let him walk down the hallway by himself, after he requested to try, but it ended up in him walking about 3 feet and then turning around in tears.  So this morning as we headed to their school I had my concerns.  One thing I try hard to do is give each of my children the same respect.  Independence is something that is gradually built as a child and I do not push them.  I allow them the time they need to be able to develop their wings and fly.

Well, this morning my son flew.  I watched him as his little Star Wars backpack bounced on his back as he walked down the hall.  He did not look back at me, but kept his eyes straight forward.  His little figure got smaller and smaller as he approached his classroom.  Today there was no 3 foot stop with tears.  He did not even look back at me as he walked into his classroom.  I realized as he walked in that I had been literally holding my breath.  My emotions were a mix of pride and sadness as I walked down the hallway to check in on him.  When I got to his classroom he was standing inside with a huge smile on his face.  I knew then that he had taken his first BIG STEP!!  I called him over to me and gave him a high five + a big hug.  Then I left the school and the tears started streaming down my face.  My littlest one is growing up.  Growth is beautiful and bittersweet all in one.

Every day we are all growing, even if it is not in a literal sense.  Emotionally we grow each day.  We can choose to learn from the lessons placed in front of us and to embrace each moment.   There are many moments in my life I have taken those first steps and then immediately turned around because I was not quite ready.  Then as my confidence grew I finally spread my wings and took off.  Growth does not happen overnight, but is a gradual development.  It is all about those little steps towards that big moment.

If you have children do you feel time goes faster now?

What are some moments of growth you have had over the past year?

It's Your Life

The bottom of my morning coffee cup.  Brings me calm and smiles.

Lately, I have become a bit addicted to a new band.  Their name is Junip and they are from overseas.  The lyrics to their songs, at least my two favorites of theirs, are fantastic.  One of my favorite lines is "It's your life, your call.  Stand up or enjoy the fall.".  Is that not so true?  Every day we make choices in our lives, but the truth is they are our choices to make.  

One thing my daughter and I have been talking a lot about recently is being strong and true to yourself. She is in 5th Grade and will start middle school in the fall.  The drama is starting to take effect already in her class.  I get questions like, "What if my friends tell me not to talk to someone" or "What if my friend gets mad because I am hanging out with someone else".  I tell her all of the time that true friendships do not run on "telling you what to do or who to hang out with".  No, true friendships are open and understanding.  My closest friends throughout my life have been those people who allowed me to make my own decisions.  They understood if I talked with other people, even if they were not fans of that particular person, or hung out with other people.  I have never been a person who wanted to be defined by a group, but prefer defining myself.  I try to teach my daughter this same lesson.  To wear her own shoes, but be respectful of others as well.  

Perhaps, it is because I had some very strong role models growing up.  This Mother's Day I thought about that.  One of my role models was my grandmother, my mom's mother.  She lived until she was 100-years-old and was pretty darn healthy, just a little high blood pressure and then some dementia in her later years.  I came from a household where both of my parents worked and my grandmother would often babysit me.  She was an incredible woman.  Her husband, my grandfather, passed away at a young age after a farming accident.  So my grandmother had to raise eight children on her own.  Three of those children were very young when he passed away, one of them being my mother.  I am sure the idea of raising them all on her own scared her, but she did not give up.  She moved from their country house into the city and worked as a janitor at a local school.  The eldest children helped her around the home and worked small jobs to help support the household.  Did I mention my grandmother also never had a driver's license in her 100 years?  Nope, she walked every where.  Truly and amazing and strong woman who taught me so many lessons.  She was never afraid to walk on her own and be true to who she was.  There was never a time that I saw her shed a tear.  Instead I always remember seeing her smile.  She had a lived a tough life, but it never brought her down.  She worked hard and embraced every moment.   Often these days I think about her and she is one of the many reasons I run and strive to reach my dreams.  I look at how she lived for years, partially I believe it is because she stayed active.

Last week, I will admit, was a tough week.  After my epic fail at my speed work I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide.  Mentally my brain kept telling me................."See there is no way you will get that BQ in October.  You will get injured or will not be able to keep up the speed".  My biggest worry is getting injured, so last week when my wimpy ankle acted up a bit after doing speed work on wet ground I felt disheartened.  Mentally I let it all get to me.  I kept going though.  I ran, cross trained, and weight lifted everything I was supposed to.  My focus was on the fact that Mother's Day was coming and how the women in my life had taught me to be strong.  I also thought about my husband who always tells me to "Suck it up and keep going".  He does not say that to be mean, but because he knows I do often have a hard time pushing past that little voice.  When injuries started showing up last year, my mental game took a hit.  Now every ache, no matter how small, can turn into a broken bone in my head.  Last week was no different, a bad work out took a hit on me.  Do you know what?  I finished my week with 41 miles total though, lots of core work, and two weight room sessions.  I followed the plan.  Truly I will probably never be a 80 mile a week girl and I am okay with that.  I will be happy just to be able to run for years and take care of my heart.......................well and to get that BQ at some point too.  

So this morning I looked at that little peace sign at the bottom of my cup, took a deep breath in and out, and let it go.  I will do the best that I can!!  I will stay true to me.  It is my life and my call.  I choose to stand up!!  This life is a blessing given to me and I will not live a moment without embracing the lessons it teaches me.

Why I choose to stand up.  To set a strong example for these two!!

When Life Gives You Lemons

What does Nuun, a lemon, and a stache have in common?

Wow!!  Life is getting busy here near the end of the kiddo's school year.  Field trips galore and classroom events.  Blogging has taken a little back step.  So this will be a double dose of Canuck adventures for you.  

First off, you may be wondering what the three items in the picture above have in common.  Well, this week I got the exciting email from Nuun notifying me of what team I would be on and what leg of the Hood To Coast I would be running.  This year there are two teams:  Team Lemonade and Team Watermelon.  Perfect names to go along with two of their awesome new flavors.  Now, personally I am a HUGE fan of the Watermelon.  Yet, it is only appropriate that the nurse who has run many a race for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation and ran many a lemonade stand to raise funding for childhood cancer research has the honor of being on Team Lemonade.  Not only that, but I got my top runner choice. I will be running as Runner 4!!!!  So my legs will be 4, 16, and 28.  Well, low and behold one of my favorite blonde-haired bloggers ran this very position last year.  The most amazing Jess from Blonde Ponytail Fitness and let me just say after reading her reports from last year I am super hyped about this runner spot.  Looks like my dream will be coming true and I will be able to be in the first van going up onto the incredible Mount Hood.  Yes, I am a huge lover of mountains.  Perhaps it is sappy, but they make me cry.  They are so big and beautiful + they show you just how small we are.  My goal is to rock my legs as hardcore as Jess did last year.  Definitely head over to her blog and read about her adventures + read about her journey at present as a fit mom to be.  She is very close to bringing her first child into the world and I am super excited for her.  

This years Nuun Hood To Coast teams!!!

I am even more excited now about meeting these incredible ladies and getting to know them.  We are going to have an amazing time!!!

So lets go on to the bad of this week.  On Monday night I joined the group again for some mile repeats.  Jen had based my goal pace on last weeks progression miles.  So my goal was to run a 7:20 average pace for each mile repeat with a 1:30 rest in between.  We started out with a 1 mile EZ warm-up run and then headed into the repeats.  I will be honest and say my body is still adjusting to doing evening runs.  Most often I run in the morning or early afternoon, that is when my energy is high.  I was very nervous going into these repeats.  Mentally I was off my game.  That 7:20 pace was intimidating me for some reason and so were the repeats.  The last time I did repeats of any kind was a few months ago and they may have been what ended up aggravating my piriformis, so I was worried about getting injured or irritating something again.  The ground was wet from it just raining and we were not on a track, but did the repeats on a loop around the store.  Since I do have a wimpy right ankle that loves to be annoying at times I worried about losing my footing around the curves on the wet ground.  Do you see how mentally I was not doing well going into these?  I let the mental game control me, which is something I can often fight.  Not this time.  My first lap round was a 7:12, second lap a 7:26, and the final one a 7:50.  Do you see where I let the mental game control me on this?  My second and last lap SUCKED!!  Could I have pushed more?  Sure.  The first go round though I felt my right foot give a little on the wet area around one of the curves and mentally I lost my cool.  So the second and last lap paid the price.  Lesson learned.  Since most often the group does speed work on Thursday nights I think I will stick to running my speed work during the morning before the mental aspect of it can catch up with me.  Then I will join the group on Monday nights for their EZ miles, which will help me remember not to run hard.  When I came home from my speed work on Monday night this week I was very angry and disappointed in myself.  I also had an achy right foot......good old tendons got jerked around a little on that wet surface.  It is still a little achy today, but I can run on it and walk on it fine.  I have irritated it like this before.  Thanks to my old sprain to my right ankle from years ago it has wonky days at times and the proprioception is off in it, something I have been working to strengthen.  The big thing for me is I know I could have got a 7:20 on that second and last lap, but I let the mental game take over.  Every run has a lesson and this one was no different.

The awesome picture Coach Jen got of me doing my repeats.

Have you ever learned a tough lesson while running?

Ever let the mental game take over during a run?

Have you tried Nuun's new flavors?

Fly

Every year, since we moved into our first house, we have had a bird family come and nest on our front porch.  Some may get rid of the nest, but I can not.  To me it is very symbolic of life.  So each year my family watches as mommy and daddy bird come back and raise their children.  I have spent most of this morning sitting with my coffee and watching as little Maggie, the last of this group of baby birds, sits on our front steps wanting badly to learn how to spread her wings.  Her mom and dad keep flying over to encourage her, but she keeps sitting.  It concerns me.  Yesterday I actually placed her back in her nest when it started getting dark out because I wanted her to be safe.  She stayed there all night, until this morning when I saw she was on the front steps again.  Slowly, she is trying to learn.  Her mom and dad fluttering around her chirping and encouraging.  The funny thing is they are not the only ones cheering her on.  I am also patiently waiting and hoping.  Fly Maggie Fly!!

This journey is very much a duplicate picture of every day life.  Each of us has an opportunity every day to spread our wings in one way or another.  It all depends on whether we choose to take the chance or we prefer to wait until we are a bit stronger.  I took a big flight in my own journey this week.  For four years I have mainly run on my own.  I knew when I returned to running I had to do it on my own or I would not stick to it.  Much like the baby bird I was allowed to have people around me cheering me on, but to actually fly I had to utilize my own strength and belief.  The ability to take off had to come from inside of me.  The only problem with this is that although I have been able to stick to it because of creating the fire within myself, I have also become quite the loner runner.  I do love running with my husband, but that is because he gets me.  He knows when I need silence and when I need him to tell me to toughen up.  It is like a date night for us.  

In general I have become a bit of a loner.  For the past few years I needed it.  On this blog I have chatted about this many times.  I saw myself becoming bitter and angry.  There were negative attitudes around me and in turn I was turning into that.  Since my move to North Carolina in 2000 I have had some pretty negative experiences with other women and it led me to the point a few years ago where I just needed to step away and reassess.  To quote a little Guns'n'Roses, "Everybody needs some time on their own".  I walked away and took that time.  Much like baby bird though I finally have come to the point where I am ready to spread my wings again.  After a few years of hanging out in my nest I feel like my strength and belief in myself has returned.  My wings are strong again.  

I knew for those few years of "time on my own" that I would not be able to give 100% of myself to others and if I could not do that then I could not be a good friend.  Inside I wanted to ensure that when I stepped back out I would be able to do so with my strength by my side.  I wanted to have the ability to say, "This is who I am and I will not change to please others".  In essence I knew that I had to be able to walk away from people if I felt I could not be myself around them and until I felt strong enough to do that I could not fully spread my wings.  I saw what happened to me in the past when I tried to "fit in" and I did not want to be that person again.  It is not who I am.  So this week I let my wings open wide with my husband's words of encouragement to guide me.  His words, "Chicken shit.  GO".  Much like baby bird I need those who love me nearby encouraging me, that is what my husband has always done.  

At my favorite local running store, Off'n'Running, they have a running group known as the Streakers.  It is for anybody who runs or is learning.  Basically, they run on specific days of the week and split up into various pace groups.  Jen, one of the employees of the store, writes plans for each person that are specific to their goals and also sets each person in their specific pace group.  I absolutely love Jen.  She is an incredible runner, including Boston finisher, and amazing to chat with.  Another great asset to this baby bird who is hoping her wings can spread wide enough to BQ in October.  You can truly see she wants you to succeed and believes in you.  I was placed in the fastest pace group, which was very humbling for me.  I never thought 4 years ago that I would reach that point, but I kept believing through the doubt.  On Monday night I went to my first group run and when I say first I truly mean FIRST!!  I was scared!!  It meant that my introvert self had to run with people I had never met before and that I may have to actually talk.  This was a step I was finally ready to take though.  I decided to treat it like an adventure, much like Hood To Coast with Nuun will be.  Call this my test drive for Hood To Coast.  

Well, I have one thing to say IT WAS AMAZING!!  I absolutely loved running with these people.  When I arrived every one was outside chatting and getting ready to run.  Jen introduced me to the people I would be running with.  I felt my shoulders shrug down and my voice clamp up, but I knew I could do it.  Baby steps and big breaths.  We took off running our scheduled 5 miles at easy pace and the slower paced groups cheered us on as we left and jokingly talked about how they would see us much later.  I loved the route we ran and our group consisted of 4 men and 3 women.  Occasionally we chatted and sometimes we were silent.  I listened as some of the group jokingly picked on the one woman, who is from what I understand an elite runner and head of the fast pace group.  I instantly loved her when I found out she loves mustache stuff too and even has an "I love mustaches" tee.  The other female in the group won my heart too when I saw she had a bag with a Gandhi quote on it.  I chatted a lot with one of the older gentleman in the group, who is 65 and coming back from injury.  It was nice talking with him and afterwards he told me I had quite a spring in my step while running.  That made me smile.  The hardest part for me on this run is that I am not used to running in the evening.  For a long while I have ran in the early morning or afternoon, so my belly is not full of goodies.  Through this whole evening 5 miles I ran with a side stitch because I had ate a lettuce wrap a couple of hours before and it was not settling well.  Lesson learned.  It definitely made for an uncomfortable run.  The one thing I truly loved about this group is listening to them as the slower paced groups or people ran by.  My group was full of cheers for them and that truly warmed my heart.  It was in those moments that I knew I loved this group.  I will definitely be trying my hardest to join them at least once a week.  

After our run we came back to the store and stretched.  Then we headed across the street to the amazing Julie Luther's fitness studio.  Let me just say I have found the woman who will bring the introvert out of their shell without blinking an eye.  She taught the entire group of runners numerous strength exercises that are beneficial to runners, all which are easily done without fancy equipment.  We were also taught how to do proper squats, reverse lunges, and PROPER planks.  I write that in big letters because Julie does not mess around.  She had us pair up, one person got in the plank position and the other was given the task of feeling their partner's butt to ensure that our glutes were tight while doing the plank.  Julie had us go up for 8 seconds and hold that serious plank, then go down briefly and back up again.  THIS IS NO JOKE PEOPLE!!!  DO IT!!  We were also shown some incredible core exercises, which I have now added to my daily routine.  

Let me say here that I will now never regret spreading my wings and taking this big and intimidating jump out of my nest.  I needed this now more than ever.  As I work towards heading to Hood To Coast in August and then to Toronto, where I hope to finally achieve a goal I have dreamed of for 4 years, I realize I need to run with others.  Just like little Maggie needs her mom and dad there flying around her and chirping encouraging words, I also need to have my own local running family there encouraging me and helping me to learn.  Knowledge is power.  It is much like I told me daughter yesterday, you have to ask questions and if you do not then you lose.  This is after she came home and told me that people in her class call her stupid when she asks questions and is not sure how to do a certain math question, but that is a story for another day.  This week I listened to my own words as I embarked on this journey with a group.  To reach your dreams you have to spread your wings wide, be willing to learn, ask questions, and not be afraid.  This is what I must do to keep my promise.  I will run Boston someday!!

P.S.  As I finish writing this I have already placed Maggie back in her nest.  She went up there happily and snuggled up for a nap.  I guess her body is not quite ready.  Yet after her little nap she is again now standing at the edge of the nest.  After all sometimes our spirit needs a little rest before taking the big jump.  Go Maggie Go!!

Have you ever taken a big jump?  What was it?

Do you run with a group?

Anonymous

Two of the loves of my life.

I have walked down a path with a dark friend before.  The only difference is that this friend was mixed with sadness, doubt, fear, pain, and worthlessness.  There were times it would let go of it's grasp on shoulder, but not often.  For almost 20 years I walked with that friend.  It was one of the most difficult break-ups that I ever experienced.  When you live with someone for 20 years it is not easy to let go of every piece of it.  There will always be residual matter laying around in your spirit.  That is what my friend left me with.  My dear friend depression.

Recently a reader of my blog posted some words under comments that hurt my spirit.  I will say that I do openly blog and therefore on occasion I am bound to have a complete stranger post a comment that stings.  That was what this recent comment did.  Perhaps, it would not have stung as much had it not hit me in a spot that I hold dearly to myself.  The comment was in regards to a post about what my children have taught me.  This was the comment:

"Maybe your children could teach you to focus on them, instead of yourself, your job, and your pursuit of higher learning. After all, they'll only be young once..."

Oh, yes it hit me in a soft spot.  It hurt too.  There is one thing I have tried desperately not to do over the past years and that was place judgement on other people, especially women and moms.  I do this for exactly this reason.  IT HURTS.  I also chose to walk away from it all because I wanted to go back to the person I was, the one who tries to respect everyone.  We all have different paths.  Not one of us is meant to walk down the same one and in the same shoes, that is the beauty of this world.

So I will share a secret here.  I do not just have one love in my life.  Scandalous indeed.  Another secret.  My choices in life do not come without some guilt.  Guilt about whether I am doing a good enough job as a mom, wife, nurse, student, runner..........the list goes on.  At the end of the day though one thing I realize is that I do a better job as a human when I take care of myself too.  I am happier and more focused.  Perhaps this person who commented feels those of us who choose not to focus on one thing are doing it all wrong.  That is okay.  We all have the right to our own opinions and we are allowed to share them, but I am also allowed to discuss my thoughts on them.  Perhaps this person lives in my neighborhood, I have heard through grapevines comments like this before about me.  I have let them pass because I always hear, but I choose not to listen unless the person comes to me and says it.  Or maybe this person does not know me, but reads my blog and wanted to state this.  All and all I have no idea who anonymous is, but I did read their words and they hit me right when I was already in "doubtland".  So for the past week I have thought and I have chatted with those who love me, including my husband.

Here is where I stand.  I have a few loves in my life.  They are my family (including my husband/children/mom/sister/and my closest friends), my job, and running.  In essence I have learned how to become a professional juggler and it is not always perfect.  Sometimes one of my loves gets more attention than another and I have to regroup.  In 1998 I became a Registered Nurse.  There was an amazing young boy I cared for on my last days of clinical.  His family had brought him in assuming he had some crazy virus as he had been sick for weeks.  When he was diagnosed with cancer and told he would have to go to Toronto for treatment, well it was heartbreaking.  His family and him are the ones who made me realize that I was given a gift.  I was meant to be a nurse.  Today this young boy is 23 and cancer free.  I still appreciate the lesson his family and him taught me.  There are days I love my job and days it makes me angry.  Basically, it is like any love of your life.  When my husband and I got married we discussed how we would always juggle our careers and family.  We do this, but it does come with sacrifices these days.

Currently, I am not in school but next fall I intend on being in a Masters program to become an FNP.  Right now, I juggle work/family/running only.  What do I sacrifice?  I give up outings with friends or building strong relationships with other women.  It is tough to build those types of bonds right now, unless it is with a fellow runner.  My closest friendships are with those women I was already friends with through the years and with a lot of incredible virtual friends who are runners.  Since the New Year I have given up alcohol of any sort, so going out to drink wine or sit and have drinks with friends is kind of out the door right now (except I may break the rule while at the Hood To Coast after party).  I decided heading into this year that I wanted to be completely focused once I reached that start line in Toronto.  My body was going to be prepared and strong.  Mentally I want to have a clear head.  Those who have known me for a long while or those who are fellow runners understand this.  We all have different reasons for being out there on the roads and mine is to finally reach a goal I have been stepping towards for 4 years.  I do not only want Boston.  I need Boston.  Spiritually this has been a journey for me.  A journey to finding "me" again and to finally showing those people I love, especially my dad, that I have found my strength.  I am no longer sad and afraid.  Depression does not guide my every move anymore.  Thoughts of dying and leaving those I love behind are no longer there.  I am in control.  The Boston finish line will be my moment.  It will be a moment for me and for all of those that I love.

For years I lived in doubt.  That is why it took me so long to go back to school and why running left my life for so many years.  Then doubt started to fade, but sometimes (like recently) it creeps back in.  So I juggle my three loves and each gets my full attention.  When I am with my family I am with them.  When I am working I am at work.  When I am running it is just the road and me.  Someday the other things, like outings with friends, will come back into my life.  Right now I have to stay focused.  I stand where my feet are at the moment and I embrace that spot.

Perhaps this all makes sense and perhaps you are sitting there going "weirdo".  That is okay.  It is hard to explain unless I let you wear my shoes.  We all wear different styles of shoes after all.  Let me just say that each moment over these past years has been part of the journey and I have learned so much.

I always appreciate those who read my blog and I have no hard feelings towards anonymous for their comments.  It allowed me to think and assess.  Thank you anonymous.

The Bad Race Day

Happy post-race smile, right?

A disclaimer before I start writing my post-race thoughts.  Four years ago when I started back to running I ran 13-15 minute miles.  My first race back to the running world was the Disney Princess 1/2 in 2010.  I finished that 1/2 marathon in 2:53:49.  It was not fast and it was not pretty.  Check it out.

I was younger and I was still beginning my journey back to running.   There were still many lessons to be learned and still are.  So if you read this post and think, "well, her recent 1/2 time was great", I understand.  For me though it was a bad race day.  My journey towards my main goal, earning that BQ time and running Boston in honor of my dad, still has many lessons to be learned.  In fact I just took the biggest leap of my journey so far and joined the local running stores Streakers.  They are a group that runs together and their fearless leader is Jen, an employee at the store.  Jen is an incredible runner, including a Boston finisher, and she writes individual training plans for each member of the group.  Last week I had the pleasure of sitting with her and telling her about my goals/history.  I held nothing back because I wanted her to understand why Boston is so important to me and what my flaws are.  We also discussed my recent 1/2 marathon and where I went wrong.  One thing she said to me that has STUCK in my head is this, "You ran a bad race that day, now think about what you could have done had you run a smart race.".  I needed to hear those words and they were definitely absorbed.  What could I have done?

On April 14th I set out to run the RunRaleigh 1/2 marathon in Raleigh, North Carolina.  It is a race I have not run before and the website has no elevation map.  So I basically went into this race blind, much like I did my 10k.  I had found a map someone had put on MapMyRun, but now I wish I had not peeked at it.  The weather was beautiful that morning.  Nice and cool, plus the sun was starting to peek through the clouds.  My husband and kids came along for this one to cheer me on and motivate me along the way.  In training for this I knew I had a 1:45 race in me, in fact I knew I could get a 1:43 even if I was smart about it.  I felt confident in my training, even though my piriformis had acted up a bit during training.  On race morning I felt great!!  I wore my "I Run This Body" tee created by the amazing Dorothy because I love repeating this to myself when I get tired or sore.  It is a great reminder about who is in charge and fighting that mental game.  To have a little extra support on my piriformis I wore my black Aspaeris Pivot Shorts, they are incredible to train in and to wear after a race.  Perfect for those hammys and glute muscles!!  Of course as always I was in my Brooks Raveena, my favorite running shoes for a long while now.  

At the start of the race I felt great and ready to take on my goal time of 1:45.  My training had shown me I could get it and better even.  I hung out at the start line with the front crowd and waited for the whistle.  BOOM!!  Off we went.  This is where my race smarts forgot to kick in as always.  I let the adrenaline and excitement take over me, so my first 6 miles I pushed the speed too hard.  Yes, I was not smart and went out too fast.  I remember looking down quite a few times and seeing 7:05 min mile and 7:30 min mile, staring back at me.   In my head I was saying to slow down, but my body was not listening.  It was being propelled forward by the excitement and sticking too close to the fast/younger runners in front of me.  At mile 6 the hills started kicking in and my tank was suffering.  Starting out too fast is never good for me and it is a bad habit, one Jen and I intend to work on.  I took one of my Honey Stingers in and hoped for the best.  My pace started slowing.  Mile 10 came along and mentally I kept telling myself to "push hard now", but my tank was shot.  The mile 12 big hill, which usually I would run up without issue, stared at me and my spirit fell.  The mental game was lost, literally.  I could not focus.  My pace from mile 7 to the mile 13 was all over the place and not pretty at times.  I had shot my stores in the trash by starting out way too fast.  My mental game was mad at me!!  I let worry about old injuries coming back and the anger at myself take over.  When I saw the finish line I sprinted though.  I sucked up every ounce of my anger at myself and pushed hard.  My last 1/2 marathon a year ago I ran in 2:01 and some change, after that I had a pulled hamstring (probably from not resting like I should have for a couple days after the race).  The RunRaleigh 1/2 I finished in 1:48:04.  It was a great PR!!  I should have been proud and there was a part deep inside of me that was.  However, there was an even bigger part of me that was mad at myself.  I ran a poor race.  It was not a smart race.  

 I placed 4th in my AG.

I was honored to finally meet the amazing AJ and introduce her to my clan.

So I discussed this race with Jen last week and as I mentioned heard her wise words.  What could I have done had I run a "smart race"?  What if I had started my race out at an easier pace and left those awesome paces for the 2nd half?  I believe I could have got my goal time and better.  So Jen said we have two main goals to work on for me:

1. On my "easy" run days, she wants me to do just that.  Sometimes running 9:00 min/miles or more.  I rarely take an easy pace on my runs.  So with 6 months to prep for Toronto, we are going to make sure I learn this lesson.  It is a must with marathon training I have been told.
2. We are going to teach me the lesson on starting out "easy" on race day.  She has told me very directly that if I do not do this in Toronto I will not get that BQ.  Since getting that BQ is my big goal I AM LISTENING AND LEARNING!!  I have had to learn to focus on just staring at the road near the finish line and pushing to the finish, without listening to the crowd or looking at what the runners are doing around me.  I did this for my recent 1/2 and it made a huge difference.  I had often let that adrenaline near the finish get to me and my heart would race out of control to where I felt I would pass out.  It was a bit miserable and scary.  So I have learned to find my "chi" near the finish line, so my body stays in control.  I MUST do the same thing with the start of the race.  I can not focus on those around me.  Instead I must pay attention to my pace.   

I will admit I am very excited about Jen and her plan for me.  She has told me she will scold and I need that.  My husband has often told me I do not take enough weeks of rest from running or that I need to slow my pace down in the start, but for some reason my stubborn side does not always listen to him.  It has taken someone outside of my home to make me listen.  She even put on my schedule for last week to "rest every day".  No running.  No anything.  REST.  I did it!!  I did nothing, except clean my house and relax.  Do you know what?  I needed that reset.  My body feels brand new.  I am now a firm believer in taking a week from time to time of rest.  They say it will help prevent injury too.  Thumbs up in my mind.  

I am also excited about running with a group from time to time.  Unfortunately, due to my schedule, I will not be able to make all of the group runs.  However, I am excited about being able to occasionally join them and learn from them.  Jen has put me in the top pace group and that EXCITES me even more.  I want the push and I want to learn from them, especially about going easy on certain runs.  Being with a group on "easy" miles will make me run "easy".  Then there is the fact that there will be educational nights on nutrition and much more.  If there is one thing I love it is continually learning.  

So now I am taken one of the biggest steps ever and for the first time I am feel ready for it.  Joining a running group.  Letting my introvert self push past my fears and allow the learning to begin.  I need this.  For years I have been working towards my big goal, never knowing if I would reach it.  This year I feel like I can, but I have to be smart and I have to push out of my comfort zone.  I made a promise and I intend to keep it.  My dad will finally see that I believe in my strength and I am happy!!  He never got to see this side of me.   For years I lived in darkness and my spirit was clouded.  This big leap is the most important one yet.  I look forward to you all joining me on this adventure!!

What happens when you are sweaty.  Your kids will not stand too close.

Have you ever pushed outside of your comfort zone to reach a goal?

Do you run with a group at times?

What is something you do in running that you know you should not?